A year ago today Kevin reached out to me. It was late Halloween night… his favorite holiday. If you want to get technical.. it was November 1st at 12:53 AM.
It was a simple text that read “Hi!”
That simple text sent a whirlwind of emotions.
It was everything I had prayed for in 2017… and since the moment things ended with us in 2016.
I worked so hard on myself in 2017… building up myself and my faith… diving into spirituality and trusting that the universe had a special plan for me. Convincing myself that Kevin was the man for me. No one on earth could have convinced me otherwise. I dug in my heels and I just knew he was the one. There was a powerful feeling in the pit of my stomach and I just knew he was it.
That day… that text… all that was the last time I saw him… the last time I kissed him… the last time we made love.
After that day, I was even more convinced he was the man for me. I felt in my heart that he was going to finally end things with the bitch of Erica and finally return to me where I felt he belonged. My heart told me we belonged together.
Funny how much can change in a year…
We no longer speak. We’re not allowed to speak to each other. And he’s now engaged to that nasty, horrible woman…
I can still remember everything he told me about her… how he was miserable… how he said HE HATED HER… how he felt trapped because she paid his mortgage for him. How he was with her because she was financially supporting him…. looking back at it now… I should’ve been like “you’re a damn scrub” but I was blinded by the love I had for him.
Boy did I have a love for him. I think I loved him more than I’ve ever loved anyone… and that’s because I was in 2 serious relationships that were leading to marriage prior. I didn’t love them the way I loved him… and the worst part was that I never really got to show him… we ended up just being an “almost”…. that’s our story in one word: “almost.”
But not to quote Brandy but… almost doesn’t count.
I loved him… and some days, I feel like I still do. Like I can’t wash him off of me.
I’ve ran into him 2xs since August 31st. Both in the most random places…
Seeing him… wrecked me.
We didn’t speak… hardly acknowledged each other… but we knew.
Additionally, this was me seeing him for the first time since he got engaged to Erica.
I just felt my heart fall to pieces. I hate him.
I hate him for doing this to me… for making me love him… for making promises that he conveniently forgot to keep, for going out of his way to make me fall in love with him – only to leave me with questions, confusion, and pain… for wasting the last 3 years of my life… for making me have faith in him…. for allowing myself to tell my friends that he was MY FOREVER… something I had never said of anyone… even when I was near being engaged to my ex.. I still never believed in that until Kevin came along.
I hate him for taking so much from me… my love, my tears, most of all… my prayers.
I hate him. As bad as it sounds… life would be so much easier if he just dropped dead. That would bring me peace… instead of knowing that he’s out there.. getting a life he thinks he deserves, while I date in efforts to find that spark, that same connection I felt instantly when I met him – only to be left disappointed time after time.
I deserve far better than a man who can’t pay his mortgage and has 3 children from different women… and more than likely to had a 4th baby mama to his story. I deserve FAR better than him… someone who barely graduated high school and used his father’s infidelity to justify his “tough” life growing up. I deserve better than a coward who could never give me an explanation to why he did the things he did and said. He’s a coward…
But I loved him… and now… now I hate him with everything in me.
I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years… between the ages of 18- 24… he emotionally tore me down and on several occasions, he physically took me down…. YET… I never hated him. When Jess and I ended… I was a broken woman, but I still wished him the best. I still managed to pray for him and ask God that he find his way and heal him from the demons that haunted him…. and years later, now he’s happily married and I can’t help at be happy for him. I actually smiled when I saw the wedding photos…
I’m not a woman who carries hate in my heart. I find ways to forgive and let go of the hate I feel because I know hate can consume someone and turn them into someone ugly inside. That’s never been me… until now… I hate Kevin. I hate him so fucking much… so much, that I wish the ultimate pain on him… I wish that whatever would tear his world apart, that it happen to him. I wish that. I wish that KARMA show him what he truly deserves and he’s riddled in misery for the rest of his life.
It sounds disgusting… if anyone truly knows me… they know I would never wish that on anyone… even my worst enemies.. but I wish nothing but pain on Kevin.
I want to let go of that hate… but I don’t know how…
I’m constantly praying to God to release it from my heart.. it feels like a black stain in my beating heart everyday.
I just want to let it all go… I want to heal.. I want to move on with my life as if he never existed… but it’s all seemed so hard. It HAS ALL BEEN SO FUCKING HARD.
I just want peace within myself.
Honestly…. if he reached out to me and apologized.. maybe that would help… but that’s something he’d never do. He’d never reach out to me, not for the risk of me “going crazy” or something.
It’s true what they say though.. men are so quick to call us psycho’s and crazy, but they’re the ones who make us that way.
I don’t get it.
I just pray for peace and to karma to do it’s job…
Am I an awful person? I find myself waking up and wondering “how the fuck did I end up here?”…
I pray for peace.. guidance.. I just need a sign that ALL THIS PAIN IS WORTH IT IN THE END.
Please God.. universe… hear me.