will the pain ever really go away?

A year ago today Kevin reached out to me. It was late Halloween night… his favorite holiday. If you want to get technical.. it was November 1st at 12:53 AM.

It was a simple text that read “Hi!”

That simple text sent a whirlwind of emotions.

It was everything I had prayed for in 2017… and since the moment things ended with us in 2016.

I worked so hard on myself in 2017… building up myself and my faith… diving into spirituality and trusting that the universe had a special plan for me. Convincing myself that Kevin was the man for me. No one on earth could have convinced me otherwise. I dug in my heels and I just knew he was the one. There was a powerful feeling in the pit of my stomach and I just knew he was it.

That day… that text… all that was the last time I saw him… the last time I kissed him… the last time we made love.

After that day, I was even more convinced he was the man for me. I felt in my heart that he was going to finally end things with the bitch of Erica and finally return to me where I felt he belonged. My heart told me we belonged together.

Funny how much can change in a year…

 

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We no longer speak. We’re not allowed to speak to each other. And he’s now engaged to that nasty, horrible woman…

I can still remember everything he told me about her… how he was miserable… how he said HE HATED HER… how he felt trapped because she paid his mortgage for him. How he was with her because she was financially supporting him…. looking back at it now… I should’ve been like “you’re a damn scrub” but I was blinded by the love I had for him.

Boy did I have a love for him. I think I loved him more than I’ve ever loved anyone… and that’s because I was in 2 serious relationships that were leading to marriage prior. I didn’t love them the way I loved him… and the worst part was that I never really got to show him… we ended up just being an “almost”…. that’s our story in one word: “almost.”

But not to quote Brandy but… almost doesn’t count.

I loved him… and some days, I feel like I still do. Like I can’t wash him off of me.

I’ve ran into him 2xs since August 31st. Both in the most random places…

Seeing him… wrecked me.

We didn’t speak… hardly acknowledged each other… but we knew.

Additionally, this was me seeing him for the first time since he got engaged to Erica.

I just felt my heart fall to pieces. I hate him.

I hate him for doing this to me… for making me love him… for making promises that he conveniently forgot to keep, for going out of his way to make me fall in love with him – only to leave me with questions, confusion, and pain… for wasting the last 3 years of my life… for making me have faith in him…. for allowing myself to tell my friends that he was MY FOREVER… something I had never said of anyone… even when I was near being engaged to my ex.. I still never believed in that until Kevin came along.

I hate him for taking so much from me… my love, my tears, most of all… my prayers.

I hate him. As bad as it sounds… life would be so much easier if he just dropped dead. That would bring me peace… instead of knowing that he’s out there.. getting a life he thinks he deserves, while I date in efforts to find that spark, that same connection I felt instantly when I met him – only to be left disappointed time after time.

I deserve far better than a man who can’t pay his mortgage and has 3 children from different women… and more than likely to had a 4th baby mama to his story. I deserve FAR better than him… someone who barely graduated high school and used his father’s infidelity to justify his “tough” life growing up. I deserve better than a coward who could never give me an explanation to why he did the things he did and said. He’s a coward…

But I loved him… and now… now I hate him with everything in me.

I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years… between the ages of 18- 24… he emotionally tore me down and on several occasions, he physically took me down…. YET… I never hated him. When Jess and I ended… I was a broken woman, but I still wished him the best. I still managed to pray for him and ask God that he find his way and heal him from the demons that haunted him…. and years later, now he’s happily married and I can’t help at be happy for him. I actually smiled when I saw the wedding photos…

I’m not a woman who carries hate in my heart. I find ways to forgive and let go of the hate I feel because I know hate can consume someone and turn them into someone ugly inside. That’s never been me… until now… I hate Kevin. I hate him so fucking much… so much, that I wish the ultimate pain on him… I wish that whatever would tear his world apart, that it happen to him. I wish that. I wish that KARMA show him what he truly deserves and he’s riddled in misery for the rest of his life.

It sounds disgusting… if anyone truly knows me… they know I would never wish that on anyone… even my worst enemies.. but I wish nothing but pain on Kevin.

I want to let go of that hate… but I don’t know how…

I’m constantly praying to God to release it from my heart.. it feels like a black stain in my beating heart everyday.

I just want to let it all go… I want to heal.. I want to move on with my life as if he never existed… but it’s all seemed so hard. It HAS ALL BEEN SO FUCKING HARD.

I just want peace within myself.

Honestly…. if he reached out to me and apologized.. maybe that would help… but that’s something he’d never do. He’d never reach out to me, not for the risk of me “going crazy” or something.

It’s true what they say though.. men are so quick to call us psycho’s and crazy, but they’re the ones who make us that way.

I don’t get it.

I just pray for peace and to karma to do it’s job…

Am I an awful person? I find myself waking up and wondering “how the fuck did I end up here?”…

I pray for peace.. guidance.. I just need a sign that ALL THIS PAIN IS WORTH IT IN THE END.

Please God.. universe… hear me.

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It all hurts…

I wasted my time.

Why can’t I let go of him?

Why am I wanting an apology that I know I’LL NEVER RECEIVE?

Kevin and his stupid gf got engaged last weekend… and it’s like all the steps I had made forward to move on, to let go, just went away and I was back in the same place when he ended things in the first place.

Tears flooded my face as I saw the proposal… knowing that it wasn’t me & that just a couple of months before he had cheated on her with me. And I know… why would I want that to be me? Why would I want to be the one being proposed to by a cheating man, who lies, and manipulates things to get his way? Why would I trap myself into a relationship with someone who has hurt me?

Because I love him.

I still love him, or more of the idea of loving him… I think. And I think that’s why I haven’t fully let go. I’ve lost all the hopes and dreams that I had for us… and that feeling like I had found the one for me, I’ve lost that. HE took that away from me.

Now I have to start over, build that with someone new, and I don’t know if I can do that.

Kevin isn’t a good guy, by any means. He isn’t… as much as he had me fooled, I learned the hard way that he is no way a decent person. He’s self absorbed, selfish, emotionally abusive, narcissistic, and manipulative. But at some point… this man was the man I had convinced myself I was going to spend my life with. Why?

I don’t even know… I don’t know why I put all of my hopes and dreams about a forever-type of love on him. I don’t know why I was stupidly hoping and praying for a man who lied to me when he told me he loved me.

I prayed for Kevin everyday… constantly praying and asking God (at some points, begging and crying) that he help him find his way back to me. That he open his eyes and help him realize that he was in the wrong relationship… and then when Kevin did come back, it was as if God had heard me and had answered my prayers. The things Kevin said that night about his girlfriend were things I would NEVER want my boyfriend saying about me to other women, so I HONESTLY felt like God had finally opened his eyes and he was going to leave her. He constantly kept telling me how much he missed me, how I was so beautiful, how he messed up.. and how sorry he was for what he put me though…

Now it seems as if that’s the only apology I’ll ever receive from him.

Now he’s engaged to this… woman.

I feel like I have so much I want to tell him, but I can’t.

I’m so angry at myself for being so stupid. For loving a man who was never worthy of much than a couple of baby mommas.

I prayed to God to help him find God… I WASTED prayers on him.

My heart feels even more shattered than it did before and I don’t even know if that’s possible. I feel this constant ache and pain…

I know he’s bad. I know he’s the worst thing to happen to me… and I wish so badly that I could go back to January 31, 2016 and never respond to his message to me that began everything.

I wish I had never met him and wasted 3 years.

This all hurts.

Please tell me this will pass?

That the feeling of being stupidly in love with someone who never deserved me, will pass?

That I’ll stop hating him with every fiber of my being? That I will find a way to forgive him without ever getting the actual apology… That I’ll never think of him again…

Someone tell me that I’ll be okay.

That I’m worthy of a great love…

And tell me I wont end up alone… my biggest fear.

I just want to know if all of this pain is worth it in the end.

I’ll be okay.

“It doesn’t happen overnight but you turn around and a
month’s gone by & you realize you haven’t cried…”

It’s going to be 3 months since all of the drama conspired with Kevin.

I was so angry. I was in so much pain… to believe that a man that I deeply loved and care about could be such a two-faced coward. I wanted the worst for him. I wanted him to feel the pain he put me through. And also his chick… I wanted her to feel the embarrassment they both put me through.

But after sometime… of hurting, crying, anger, and hating him with everything I had, I just stopped. I stopped caring. I let go of all of it. 

I’ve realized that although, he lied and did everything in his power to cowardly shut me up about his cheating (even though I would’ve never said anything had I not been harassed into it), I’m not the one who looks stupid here.

Who looks stupid here is his girlfriend.

She’s the one fighting for a relationship with a man who will continue to cheat on her... for a man who is annoyed by her daughter (his words), for a man who is with her because “She pays the mortgage and makes more money that him” (his words)… and fora  man who wants to put her in her place (his words.) Is that the type of love you want to fight for? I’ve started to feel bad for her. I won’t name her name on here because I think the poor woman has suffered enough embarrassment being with him. Then again… she could be just as bad… this is me just giving her the benefit of the doubt.

She’s going on trying to put up this front on social media as if they are such a happy couple, when just a couple of months ago, he was venting his anger and hate towards her, how he wanted out of the situation, that was so miserable with her, and how “he took her in cause she was homeless.” Could it have been the alcohol talking? Yes… but we all know alcohol induced conversations are the purest form of the truth.

I truly feel bad for the bitch.

And Kevin… I feel no empathy or anything in general towards him.

I’ve let go of the anger and hate towards him… and I’m starting to understand that some people, no matter the age, will just be forever incapable of truly loving someone before themselves. He’s to far gone to be “fixed.” He made his own karmic debt and he will spend the rest of his life paying retribution for his actions. I know it sounds mad or hateful of me to say, but it’s the truth, he’s just not fixable. He is who he is and he’ll go to great lengths to cover up his flaws, but in reality, behind closed doors, he’s just a over all bad person.

… and I didn’t see that before, but I’m so thankful that I lifted my rose colored glasses and saw him for who he really was. And THANK the lord too because if all of this hadn’t happened, I’d still be here writing about how much I loved him… I would’ve continued to pray for his return to me and spend nights crying about how much I loved him and I would’ve reached out to him and played along to whatever game he thought he was playing. I would’ve continued to be manipulated by his ill-intentions and believed his lies.

God truly has plan and everything really does happen for a reason.

I’m working on forgiving myself for letting myself fall into that game of his… and forgiving myself for letting him take advantage of me and my love for him. I’m doing pretty good so far… accepting the fact that Kevin and I will never, ever be together again. Why? Because I know now that I deserve so much better. I was so down in the dumps, that I never believed I could do any better than Kevin, but I KNOW I can… and I know I do deserve better. 

I’m living my best life… doing the things I love without paying a thought to him.

He has come into my mind and dreams recently, which is what has prompted this post… but not in the best way. I’m not gonna lie, I got scared when I started seeing him in my dreams, feeling like the connection I had to him was back again, but it was more in a way to close a chapter. In my dreams, I was telling him “NO.” I wasn’t taking him back… I wasn’t giving him another chance. I think it was a way of me cutting the spiritual tethered chord that I always felt connected me to him. I was ending it… and it was the most freeing feeling in the world.

YES… there have been days when it hurts… but I remind myself that better days and a BETTER MAN are to come. I feel it in my heart and my gut.

I’ve started to pray for him… I haven’t met who this future man/future husband is, but I’m praying for him. I’m praying for him everyday in hopes that he’s not hurting too much now, that he’s succeeding in everything he’s setting out to do, and praying that he be ready to live an amazing life together. 

I know God will bless me with an amazing man who will be loyal and a great father to our future rugrats… I have all the absolute faith. I mean, when you’ve been this low and loved someone who was this bad… things can only be better from this point on. I truly believe that.

I know though, before my future man comes into my life, I need to forgive Kevin. That’s probably the hardest thing to do, mostly because he is not worthy of any kind of forgiveness and empathy. BUT… I’m trying. At some point, I will forgive him… maybe. I know I need to, because if God can forgive us and see past all of our flaws and sins, we should be capable of forgiving each other… but I just need a little bit of more time to forgive Kevin. Just a little

Until then, my prayers will go up so blessings can come down.

I know it’s coming… I feel it in my heart, my soul, everything in me.

To my future man: I’ve been waiting for you… I’m ready.

Trying to forgive; trying to forget

Forgiveness.

Say it slowly… for-give-ness...It’s such a loaded word… such a huge task to take on truthfully; especially when your heart has been broken.

How do you forgive the one who broke you? How do you let go of the anger that has built up inside of you. Sure, he’s partly to blame… some of it also stems from others before him, but right now – all my anger is projected towards him and only him… the coward.

I’m not myself lately. I look in the mirror and see someone else. Someone I truly don’t recognize.

I had done SO GOOD. I was almost happy, living my life to the best I could given my circumstances. I was living. Now… now I’m just a mess, faking it until I make it, and trying not to break down and cry.

My faith is being tested. I’m confused to why pain would be a part of my journey continuously. It’s like I can’t escape it. It follows me everywhere I go and every time I open up my heart to someone. I hate to ask, but, why? Did I do a heinous crime in a past life that I have been doomed to repent for this lifetime?

I PUT TOO MUCH ON HIM. I GAVE HIM POWER OVER ME.

I saw a future with someone who didn’t see past the next day with me. Someone who continuously lied about who he was and his intentions. He’s a liar. And I dared to put dreams and hopes on him.

I was 100% convinced, from the moment I met him, that I was going to end up with him, spending my life with him, growing old together. Something inside my gut told me, “Oh hey, that’s him, that’s the one.” After that, I stuck to that feeling, being blinded by the lies he shared. As time went on, even without him being active in my life, I still faithfully believed that he and I would end up back together to fulfill the dreams and hopes I had for us… no one, nothing could’ve changed my mind either.. He turned out to be a fraud.

Now… I’ll never be able to be sure about anyone else again. What if I’m wrong again? What if I feel that for someone new… am I doomed to repeat history again?

I saw a LIFE. I saw marriage, kids, white picket fences... I saw an entire lifetime with him. I saw happiness, but it was built on lies. On a sick game he played to get what he wanted when it was convenient for him.

How do I go back? How do I forgive him? How do I let go of the pain and anger that has consumed me since all the drama conspired? HOW DO I PUT AN END TO THIS FEELING?

I was at a church retreat this weekend, I’ve turned to God a lot lately – and we talked about pain and secrets and things that we can’t let go of that plague our faith and our relationship with God. Currently, mine is all of this mess. The anger that intoxicates me and makes me sick to my stomach to the point where I’m lying on my bedroom floor, crying a mess, trying not to throw up. The moments throughout the day where I break fight my tears back because something reminded me of him or the pain crept up on me. The fear that I’m too far broken to be healed so I sit in silence with my friends. The moments that I feel like giving up on love and the life I want all together. To the point where I feel like I’ll be alone forever…He did this to me and I let him. I GAVE HIM POWER OVER ME. How do I let that go?

Why did I let him? I don’t fall in love easy. I don’t. It takes me a lot of time because I’ve been burned before that I typically hold back a lot before I surrender to the feeling, but with him, I fell hard and fast. I think it’s because I fought the feeling so hard… everyone told me “Ew, don’t waste your time, he has 3 kids from 3 different mothers.” “He’s not go enough for you.” “You can do so much better.” and I somehow believed in seeing past his flaws and giving in to him.. .why? Because I felt bad for him. I fought the fear and gave in and fell so in love with him and the ideas he put in my head. I believed everything he told me… and it was the worst thing I could’ve done to myself.

And now I’m here… barely holding it all together. I have good days and I have bad days… lately, seems the bad outweigh the good, but I am really trying to figure out how to go back to being the girl that believed in love. The girl that had all the faith in the world that God had her back and would guide her to the right man. The girl that was fearless, took chances without a second thought, and went on adventures. I was the girl who smiled through it all. I had big dreams of a exciting life… joking around, coming up with crazy ideas, and being the life of the party.  I was happy on my own before, but how do I do it again? Now, I refuse to go out.. I lock myself at home, with depressing Grey’s Anatomy playing in the background, drowning in my thoughts. Replaying things over and over, wondering what I could’ve done different, what I missed, how I should’ve handled things… and so forth to the point where I’m in tears and angry all over again. I’m not me. I’m no where near me… I can’t even take a selfie without getting angry and not recognizing the girl in the photo. I don’t feel pretty. I don’t feel confident in myself. I go out in public and I pretend I’m okay… when I’m dying inside. I pray that when I’m drinking, I don’t break down and tell everyone the truth of the darkness that is weighing me down. I fake the smiles in the photos with friends and do my best to act happy and upbeat for their sake, I don’t want to burden them with my problems I feel powerless. I’m NOT ME.

I guess time will help right? But I need to forgive him. I don’t think I’ll ever go back to being myself without forgiving him first and letting that anger go.

Right now, I want him to feel pain. I want him to feel the heartache I’ve felt. I want him to go crazy and angry at himself for fucking everything in his life up. I want him to feel the loss. I want him to find that dark place and dwell in it. I want him to regret hurting me… I know it’s an awful way to feel or think, but that’s what I want. I want him to lose it all.

I’ve never felt that angry towards a man… maybe one… an ex who dared lay his hands on me more than once. But even after that, the bruises and scars, I found a way to forgive him for hurting me. I found a way to wish him the best and move on with my life… but this… this all seems far worse. It hurts more than the physical pain at one point in my life did. They’re two different extremes… but this one… it hurts 1000x more. But like I said, I was able to forgive my ex and let him go peacefully. I moved on happily. I found peace… but I don’t think I can do that with him. I don’t know if I’ll ever find that peace or the ability to wish him a happy life… cause right now, all I want him to do is hurt.

I feel awful for feeling that way towards him and wishing him ill will… but I can’t help it or control the feeling.

I just pray that some day, I can read this and realize that the pain has passed… that I have moved on, forgiven him, laugh it off, and smile at the best man next to me…

Who knows… I guess time will truly tell.

I just want to be myself again… here’s praying that I do.

I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it

– See you around…

Dear Kevin, Pt 4 – The Narcissist

nar·cis·sist
ˈnärsəsəst/
noun

a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.
narcissists who think the world revolves around them

I’ve been played. I’m disgusted.

Kevin Schultz is the biggest narcissist in the world… and has everyone, including myself fooled.

Here I thought he was a guy who had been through a lot, who was just struggling to get through life, and be happy. He’s far from that. He’s a man (or lack of thereof) who is solely out for himself and to seek what he can get from others. A manipulator.

ma·nip·u·la·tor
məˈnipyəˌlādər/
noun

a person who controls or influences others in a clever or unscrupulous way
synonyms: exploiter, user, maneuverer, conniver, puppet master, wheeler-dealer; informal operator

My eyes were opened this week.

He went to the greatest lengths to keep me quiet about him cheating on his foolish girlfriend with me. Simply to shut me up… despite the fact that I have proof from that night. That I have photos of him in my bed and screen shots of text he sent. In the end, he did what would benefit him, would protect him from coming out. Never mind the fact that I was being harassed by his girlfriend and her minion friends. Pathetic women tend to defend a pathetic man.

1d9f33b14c4257d56f28f7a2330b15a7So here I am… angered. Enraged. Livid. I’ve documented everything for my protection, but this could all have been avoided if he had just owned up to it. His gf is the “turn the other cheek” type of sad woman, so you know she’d forgive him, pat his hand, and tell him to never do it again, thinking she can change him… Reality being, he will cheat again. NOT with me, but other women. He’s a man who will never change. Never.

I know I’m not the only woman he’s cheated with… and it’s sad and pathetic of his chick to stand by him while he continues to make her look like an idiot.

Sadly, I was once in her shoes. I stayed with Jes for 6 years on and off while he cheated, constantly hoping he’d change… while he continued to verbally abuse me and tear me down, until I had nothing left. I stayed because I thought he was the only one I could be with. I thought he was the only one who could love me. My self-esteem was that low… It took a lot for me to get out, but when I did, I was free.

c824579581cadeccca78264ba8dc3d6dTruthfully, I hope his chick has the balls to leave him. Especially after the things he told me about her. She pays the bills… that’s the reason he sticks around. She provides financial support for him and that’s what he wants. Since he can’t support himself… despite how much income he allegedly brings in. But that’s why he stays… out of convenience. And honestly, she probably stays with him because she’s too lazy to start over with someone else. She’s settled and accepted that he’s a womanizer and will continue to cheat, and is willing to take it. Sad really.

b75062e815f5d80753cd8fff30d6c554I think what angers me the most is that I’m the one who comes out to look crazy out of all of this. I’m the one who looks insane and psycho. I’m not… I’m not anything. I’m just a woman who UNFORTUNATELY loved a man who wasn’t worth it. Not to forget to mention that I was slut shamed! He took advantage of that one night, got what he wanted, once again, and then went on to try to look like a good man in front of a weak woman. The liar. The narcissist. The manipulator. He’s had us all fooled…

I am grateful to God and the universe for opening my eyes through all of this. For allowing me to see what a weak, pathetic, little man he is. He may be 6’8, but he is minuscule and pathetic in being a man. A sad excuse really…

All I have to say is that karma is real. What goes around, comes around…

Here’s to the ladies who read this… don’t let yourself be fooled by a narcissistic manipulator. Don’t let a stupid, little man make you question yourself and your worth. Be a fucking queen and don’t put up with his bullshit. Cheating is something to never be put up with… never. It’s not worth it. If you’re one of those people who can put up with it… tell me why? I’m genuinely curious to know.

So for now… I sit here… angry. Livid. I know this will pass. I know I’ll get through… and most of all, I KNOW I deserve far better than a man like Kevin. I deserved better from the get-go. Someone like him doesn’t deserve love… he deserves karma.

Have y’all ever been in this type of situation.. curious. Please share. Anyway… sending everyone else love and light as we close out this chapter….

narc

Dear Kevin, Pt 3

They don’t know I’ve waited all my life…

Dear Kevin,

11/1/17 you and I reunited and it was what was always meant to happen.

We’ve gone a little over a year since being together, since seeing each other, since talking about what happened, since admitting to loving you.

I prayed so hard… everyday of my life since you left, I prayed. I prayed to God that he guide us back to each other. That he guide us back to each others arms where we belong… and God answered.

“How long will I love you? As long as stars are above you… and longer if I may.”

The year without you has been… trying, scary, sad, adventurous, thrilling, successful, and most of all, full of happiness. I learned to live without you; though, that’s not how I saw it. I saw it as building myself back up and becoming the woman you need me to be.

It took a lot of time and reflection to realize where I think we went wrong, to own up where I messed up, and to realize that I was meant to go through these things to come out stronger than I’ve ever been… and again, I prayed everyday.

When you left, I felt like my world had shattered. Everything I knew in my life was collapsing and I was losing grip of everything. You left, my mom was diagnosed with cancer, and my job was turning out to be an ethical nightmare. Everything was slipping and I did not know how to react, the only thing that stayed true was that I wanted you, I need you there, and you weren’t. I prayed for you.

Months of crying, screaming, and wanting to die came ahead. Drunken nights where I hit the Jack like he was the love of my life, dancing with men who only had one thought in their mind, and cursing every memory of you that came to mind. It was dark and lonely.  But every step of the way, I prayed for you.

Then the worst came – you told me you had moved on. I wanted to hate you, I wanted to tell you that you were the worst man in the world, that you didn’t deserve me, or any one. I wanted to tell you that you deserved the worst pain anyone could ever inflict to you. But yet… I loved you despite the knife in my heart. I prayed for you.

“Over and over… the only truth – everything comes back to you.”

Then came better days… I started a new job, cut out people who didn’t need to be in my life, and embraced the pain. I took the pain and tried to focus on the future because in my heart, one thing was sure: that you and I would find our way back. I prayed for you.

I welcomed new adventures and the biggest loss of my life: my Wela, my confidant, my best friend – left our earth to be with my Welo in heaven. The biggest loss of my life to date. She was the only person who truly knew how much I loved you because any chance I could, I told her about you, when you were present in my life and when you weren’t, she knew. Then she left… and I fell apart again. But I was okay. I woke up and knew that she would be there guiding us back… an angel. I prayed for you.

The new year came and I changed. Not intentionally, it happened organically, on it’s own. I returned to church, my spirituality intensified, I became thankful for the tribulations I had endured. My heart started healing and like that, the days suddenly became more livable. I was laughing and smiling, genuinely. I prayed for you.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there was still moments of weakness and darkness, particularly when a photo or a post of you and Her appeared on your Facebook. It killed me, but I reminded myself that it was temporary, that you and I were meant for something more, that our story wasn’t over… I prayed for you.

I continued to grow as a person, becoming stronger in faith everyday – living my best life that I could possibly live. I made memories, I ventured out on adventures, I was intimate with someone who became a great lover, and I little by little became more of the person I am destined to become. I prayed for you.

As the time passed, my connection to you grew stronger. I shocked myself in how I somehow managed to love you more everyday, despite you not physically being there. We shared some and limited communication throughout and that was enough to assure me that I was right – you and I had something more – the kind of love that was meant to stand the test of time. I prayed for you.

Many moments of testing my faith came and went, I constantly hung on to the fact that I know, deep down, you and I are the “end game.” Kevin, I firmly believe that you and I are meant to be in some way. We’re unconventional. We don’t make sense, yet we share so many similarities. Somehow, you’ve left a never ending mark on my heart. I never thought I could meet someone and feel like I was going to love them forever, and then you happened, and everything changed.  I prayed for you.

“I’ve cried enough tears to see my own reflection in them and then it was clear,
I can’t deny I really missed him”

Then 11/1/17 came. You reached out. You looked for me. You came to me a broken shell of a man. Drunk, mad, and confused. Unhappiness was written all over your face. All I wanted to do was take it away. I wanted to save you. I wanted to heal you. It was hard to see you that way, so I did everything in my power to make you forget. For a moment, it was just us. We talked about things… you apologized. I could hear the guilt in your voice, the confusion of not knowing what you were doing. You were cheating on Her with me. You expressed your hate for Her. You shared the feelings of being trapped in something you didn’t want.  I prayed for you.

I wanted to yell at you and say “Pick me Kevin, choose me, LOVE ME KEVIN.” But it wasn’t my place too. The night turned into morning and waking up next to you was the best feeling in the world. The sound of your nasally snoring was home to me. I remember hating it so much but for that night, it was the best sound in the world, it was everything I had missed and wanted to wake up to everyday. I held you. I touched your warm body, I kissed your scruffy lips, and thanked God for blessing us with a second chance. For proving me right. I know we’re not over. I prayed for you.

“…I don’t care; no, I wouldn’t dare to fix the twist in you”

And now we’re here. 10 days later. You told me that you and Her were gonna see how things go… despite your misery. It tore me up inside. I wanted to tell you, “WHY KEVIN? PICK ME. I LOVE YOU.” But I didn’t. Instead I reminded myself that you need to find your way out on your own. This is your lesson. You and I, we’re meant to be, that I trust and will continue to help me through. I prayed for you.

I love you Kevin. That will never change. The feeling I got when I saw you again… every feeling, every emotion I ever felt, all came back in an instant. But this time, I am unafraid. I was afraid to love you once and I regretted it… now, I will love you fearlessly, despite the hurt or pain it could possibly cause me – why? Because I know in my heart, that somehow, you and I are meant to be. There is something about us that is destined to last a lifetime, I know it. I prayed for you.

“… and out of all these things I’ve done, I think I love you better now.”

769b357f1a75fe8f32e5969f0213b549I prayed for you. Everyday of my life, I prayed for you. I prayed to meet someone who I could love unconditionally and picture my life with and that’s you Kevin. That’s you and only you. I know in my heart of hearts that you and I aren’t over. Our story isn’t over. It’s only beginning. We’re embarking on the next chapter – and I pray, that chapter leads us to forever. I will continue to pray for you. I have faith.

I’m going to continue to live my best life. I’m going to better myself and become the woman I am fully meant to be. And when you’re ready… I’ll be ready for you. I’m praying for you…

I love you Kevin Schultz.

I’ll see you again soon… xoxo

“I was made for loving you, even though we may be hopeless hearts just passing through. Every bone screaming ‘I don’t know what we should do,’ 
all I know is, darling, I was made for loving you…”

Dear Kevin Pt 2

You’ve completely broken my heart.

I don’t know what to do. I like you so much and not to hear from you for merely a day kills me. Your short conversations and little to no text make me believe that you’re done with with me.

We were fine. Completely fine and then one day you just stopped. I started being the one who was sending the good morning text. I became the one who called you often. I became the girl I didn’t want to, I became the girl who constantly looks at her phone hoping and waiting for you to call or text.

In the beginning, you told me “I like you.” You pretty much reminded me that you liked me every time we were together. Then out of no where this happens.

I understand, this week has been busy. You have 3 kids. They require a lot of time and energy. But how hard is it to simply send a text to let me know you’re there.

I naturally assume the worst. But I have every reason to. I’ve been burned so many times by guys who made me think they wanted me and that things were going somewhere only to be hurt by cheating, stupid games, and over all telling me I wasn’t enough. You told me “I WANT YOU TO KNOW I’M NOT ONE OF THOSE GUYS.” But you’re becoming one of them.

You’ve become what you promised you weren’t. I told you not to hurt me and you have.

I let me myself fall. I gave in. I fought it for so long and finally decided to just give myself to you. And you went and did this to me. How could you do that?

I trusted you. I believed that this was different. I believed that this was going somewhere. I believed that you could be my next great love and you went and through it all away.

You have taken back from me what I spent years trying to repair. I tried to fix myself after my heartbreak. I spent years loathing my ex for what he did to me. He made me feel like I was unlovable. Like I was nothing more than just a booty call and that was all I was worth. He broke me into a bunch of pieces that I honestly never thought I would mend myself back together.

You came along and you made me believe. You made me believe in you and just took that from me.

Dear Kevin

“She had been ready to love this man from the moment she first saw him.”

Dear Kevin,

I’ve fallen madly in love with you.

I’m not sure quiet how to tell you… I’m scared. But I do. I love you. I love you for:

  • How you smile when you’re trying to be cute
  • How you laugh with dumb jokes or memes
  • How you hug me tightly when I get to your house
  • How you smell when you’re fresh from the shower
  • How your eyes glisten when you talk about your kids
  • How we can spend hours on the phone or FaceTime talking about everything and anything
  • How you kiss me when we’ve gone a day or two without seeing each other
  • How you kissed my forehead while I slept on your chest watching Blue Mountain State – The Rise of Thadland
  • How I could hear your heartbeat fast while my head lay on your chest
  • How you take control 😉
  • How you take me in your arms and dance randomly in your kitchen
  • How you sing me sweetly
  • How your hand fits perfectly in mine and you hold it any chance you get
  • How I feel safest in your arms
  • How you get in your zone when you’re cooking
  • How hyped up when you’re talking about something that upsets you or politics
  • How you almost cried when Shelby made cheer
  • How you’re so invested in Aidan’s football
  • How you brush Reagan’s hair and take the cutest pictures of her
  • How you smile when you see me
  • How you smell like BBQ and charcoal after you’ve been grillin’
  • How sometimes you smell like your fruity vapes LOL
  • How you can throw a beer back better than anyone else
  • How you blow kisses on FaceTime
  • How when you hear Sam Hunt you sent me a picture message to tell me your hearing him
  • How my heart races when you call
  • How suddenly, all my dreams have you in it
  • How you got excited when Spice Girls came out on Pandora LOL
  • How now my wedding dream… finally has a groom
  • How you always hold me as if you’ll never let me go

I love you Kevin. I’m in deep. I pray to God this last.

I feel, from the moment I met you… I knew you were the one.

I didn’t want to fall in love or need someone like you. I really didn’t want anything. But then, you come along and shift my world upside down… and I started wanting everything. You’re it for me. I cannot wait to see whats to come for us as I fall in love with you more each day… I haven’t told anyone how I feel about you. They all know I really like you… they don’t know I’m madly in love. I’ve kept it to myself…I can’t wait to gather the guts to tell you… for now, I’ll just share it with the world. I love you Kevin Schultz.

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“It wasn’t love at first sight exactly, but it was familiarity.
Something like oh, hello, it’s you. It’s going to be you.”

Are we out of the woods yet?

“We were built to fall apart, then fall back together…”

DATING FUCKING SUCKS.

Pardon my straight to the point, no fucks attitude, but dating is so awful. New relationships are supposed to be fun and exciting aren’t they? Why isn’t it playing out that way?

Instead of being excited, I’m penned with the never ending anxiety of, “Is he over me already?” “Am I texting him too much?” and the most commonly plagued, “Where the FUCK is this going?” – Why? For the longest part of my day today, I dwelled over the fact that the guy I’m talking to hadn’t texted all day and put it on myself, thinking that I did ‘something wrong’. But then reality set in… it’s not me, it’s MEN IN GENERAL.

It seems like every ‘boy’ I’ve ever dated, been in a relationship with, or even befriended, I’ve noticed that guys in general are AWFUL communicators. Is it too hard to respond to a simple text message? Men, or at least the ones I know, seem to play a never ending mind games. By things like, not texting you for 2 days, or being up in your nuts for a week, then BAM – let’s not talk for a while. So far, it’s proven to me that – no matter the sign, the age – all men play these vicious games.

Why? Why is dating so difficult? Why can’t men be upfront and genuinely explain how they feel. It’s not so hard to say “Hey, I like you – I want to know where this is going, cause I see this long term.” Instead we get the god-forsaken, “Hi” “What’s up” “Come over” or the idiotically typed, “Lol.” – WHO THE FUCK PUTS A PERIOD AFTER LOL?

Do men go through this anxiety too? Are they waiting for things to fall apart? Are they looking at their phone every couple of minutes to see if a text comes in or regret sending a text that maybe wasn’t communicated correctly? Do men worried when we don’t text back or don’t bother them all day?

Taylor Swift had it on point when she wrote “Out of the Woods?” – I honestly feel like this anxiety is the constant, when is this falling apart?

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Why isn’t this easier? Is it so bad to want someone who just genuinely wants to be with you without the added drama? I’ve been truly single for a couple of months, like maybe 6-7. I’m over my ex 100%…. yes I’ve dated throughout the time frame, but never anyone who caught my attention or gave me the want or feeling to commit. Now, as I’ve taken the time to get to know myself and figure out what I want, the guys seem so much more complicated and dating seems harder.

I’m constantly fighting those inner demons that have me going in circles while men are likely just “eh, ok” and go about the rest of their day with peace of mind.

Is this just my insecurity? The feeling that you’re not capable to be loved or that you’re not good enough? I know with what I’ve gone through with my ex, there is a constant noise in the back of mind cautioning me, “Don’t fall too quick, he’s going to hurt you. He’s going to cheat on you like J did. He’s going to screw you over. He’s not up to par. Stay far away.” Is this me just self sabotaging myself and ruining potential relationships before they even have the chance to start? I read recently that one of the reasons Pisces stay single is because of their insecurities and that there is a fear that the relationship won’t be as good as the daydreams we have.

I will admit, sometimes I feel like I’m just not capable of loving or being loved (other than my family). I constantly battle that, “I’m too fat” “I’m not pretty enough” “I’m too independent” “I like being alone” for reasons that I shouldn’t pursue anything serious, but then there are days where I’m like “fuck that, I’m worth it.” Honestly, I just need someone to catch me on that day. That’s the day it’ll mean something.

Then there are the standards. I have fucking unrealistic standards. I have this image in my head of who my perfect partner/husband would be:

  • Educatedsmile
  • Tall (at least 6’0 or over)
  • An amazing smile
  • Hard working, driven
  • Family Oriented, wants kids
  • A sense of adventure
  • Music lover
  • Social and friendly (but NOT TOO friendly)
  • Someone who can articulate and communicate how they feel
  • Loving and able to love me

Those aren’t ALL my requirements but most of them, at least the most important of them. The funny thing is, the guys I’ve been spending/wasting my time talking too don’t meet half of these requirements. Is this me settling or me being realistic? Do I have to be realistic and not get what I want? Is it worth sacrificing? Why is this so fucking complicated? SERIOUSLY.

Truthfully though… If I meet someone that I can genuinely be myself with and care for, those things won’t matter…

Is it so bad to want someone who you can have everything with and great fucking sex with? They always say you should marry the best sex of your life… I’ve had some great sex, but not the BEST. When is that coming (no pun intended)?

I’m just going to join the Bachelor to go through an emotionally scaring experience but have 1 million people witness it. Maybe then people will fucking understand how awful dating is.

Ok, I’m going to call it, I’ve made myself exhausted and sick over this. If you’re a guy and reading this… make things easier for us. If you’re a lady reading this.. please tell me I’m not the only one (LOL).

Peace chumps xoxo
– Monica Alyssa*

Come What May

So much has changed since I have last written.

I spent some time recently reading my old post and somewhat not recognizing the person I was and at the same time understanding that not much has changed – if that makes any sense.

I think one integral change that has come to me is that I have a new “whatever happens happens” attitude. I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason, and I stand by that forever, but additionally, I think there is literally no way to control the results. You can try and try but what is MEANT to be is what will be the result.

I still have the same dreams and goals but the only difference is I’ve accepted that they will come true at the right time.

I think with the tragedy I faced in 2015 (losing 2 uncles, my grandma’s stroke, and most recently, losing my beloved cousin) – I’ve pretty much had no choice but to become accepting of what lies in front of me and take each day in strides. I realized that I put so much pressure on myself, feeling like I’m constricted to time. Time has always controlled everything – not enough time to go to the gym, not enough time to finish this project, I’m getting too old, I’m just running out of time. When you start taking each day by day – it’s like time slows down kinda. At the end of the day you have this “Ok, I made it today, tomorrow will be a new day – let’s get through that.”

2015 really tested me emotionally – to the newest lowest of lows and some the highest of highs. I lost friends I thought I could trust, friends I thought would always be there – turns out that wasn’t the case. As I would eventually find out, I apparently was just  placeholder, someone to include the crowd, someone to go out with – but never taken serious as a part of the family. People I once considered family, like nothing – went on without me. At first – I felt so much disappointment, how could they do this to me? But then I fully took the time  to analyze the situation and realized how toxic these “friends” were. They were never friends. They were never family. They were fake. They were frauds. Frauds who talked circles about each other and at the end of the day, pretended to be faithful to the friendship – never mind 10 minutes ago they’d be talking about them in a negative light. I never raised a flag, partially since I contributed to this. I went along with the toxicity – the intoxicating poison. I was fooled but after terminating the friendship, it’s like a weight was lifted. I fully believe in karma and the mantra “what comes around goes around” and I fully believe that will take over.

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From loss of friends, I’ve reconnected with some and made amazing new friendships & relationships. I’ve been truly blessed with some genuine people in my life. People that are worthy of so much love. It’s such a different dynamic being surrounded by honest, loving people – all the while, experiencing some of the best times in my life. Before, I felt so constrained to this “group” – but the best gift was removing myself from that environment & realizing there are people out there who aren’t out there to take advantage of what you have to offer. As they always say, as you get older – your friends circle becomes smaller but it’s because the company you keep is true and genuine. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

It’s funny how life’s journey’s lead you to where you’re meant to be. I’m in the right place in this moment. I’m surrounded by my closest friends, family, love, & angels.

For now, come what may…

Until next time,

Mo xoxo